day eighteen.

this is not fun.

i'm down to 160lbs - that's 14lbs in 18 days. most doctors agree healthy weight loss is about 1lb/week, or 2 lbs in the time that has passed so far. none of my belts go small enough to keep my pants up. i'd guess i'll be at 155lbs by march 1, which is the lowest i've been in college.

i can see why doctors say this kind of weight loss is a bad thing. i feel constantly on edge and easily irritated. i try to keep that in check mentally, but that feels exhausting. i sleep 10 hours a day. i feel lethargic and unproductive. i look terrible - i can tell my muscle mass has decreased, and although i've lost weight, i'd say half of it was fat, and half muscle mass. i can tell that i've slipped cognitively, and my research at the university has suffered as a result.

i dream of food. i'm not joking. i dont sleep well, at least according to my iphone's sleep app. i am showing symptoms of insomnia, as evidenced by this (3am) blog post.

i debated posting a entry like this, because i wanted to be upbeat and inspirational... but it is far from the truth. i find myself taking the elevator instead of stairs to save calories, driving through parking lots searching for the closest spot.

the truth is, it isnt possible to eat on $1/day long-term, at least not without buying further in bulk. it certainly isnt possible without access to a multivitamin, for an active 24 year old. my caloric deficit has in the range of 600-800 calories/day. i have watched 600-800 calories a day be thrown away by friends and strangers alike. i envy those calories, even now as i listen to my stomach groan and rumble.

i've run out of peas, ramen, pancakes, and bread. i'm left with rice, peanut butter, jelly, oatmeal, and a small amount of flour and butter. i am most looking forward to making bread this weekend. i would have liked to bake it sooner, but am saving it for the last week, which i anticipate to be the most difficult of them all.

i still have 94 cents. i'm debating between 4 more sticks of margarine, as these give the highest caloric value per dollar, and a 6 pack of ramen. this decision has been the subject of literally hours of free time thought, and discussion with friends. the ramen gives me spices that i share with my bowls of rice. sometimes i think about saving the 94 cents for a taco, and making it the next 10 days on nothing but the food i have now.

i know that God will stretch this food for the next 10 days, but my heart continue to break for those people who have no end in sight, no finish line.

today:
some peanut butter and jelly - 200 calories, 10g protein
1/2 cup rice - 300 calories, 6g protein
1/4 cup peas 90 calories, 9g protein